falling into grace / my testimony

the first time someone asked to hear my testimony, I was immediately uncomfortable.

"I don't have one of those."

My whole life I was raised in a branch of Christianity that taught me about Jesus. My school and church introduced me to this man who sacrificed Himself for all of us on earth, that we may have life. And I'll never forget the look on my second grade religion teacher's face when I asked, "why did Jesus have to die?"

There's no doubt that I was always curious as to who this Jesus was. I'm not sure exactly when I began to form a personal relationship with Him, but by the end of middle school I thought I had it figured out: follow His commandments and His example of love as best you can.

Not a bad start, but I was missing something. I just didn't know it yet.

Do you ever find yourself saying yes to Jesus halfway?

Like YES Lord, I acknowledge that you are all that matters and worthy of all my praise! but I'm pretty busy this week so I probably won't have as much time to pray or read your Word. You understand, right?

LOVE YOU Jesus! but these are my friends and if I don't act like them, they're gonna suspect somethings up. You know how it is.

Lord please forgive me, I need your mercy. but did you see what she did last weekend?? At least i'm not messing up like THAT.

^^^me. all the time. While I knew that it was wrong to sin, I always believed that it was up to me to change it. To change my heart and my behavior so I could become a "better person."

Maybe that's why my one-on-one relationship with Jesus was so small. why there was dust on my bible as it remained untouched on my top shelf. why you wouldn't know I was Christian from anything other than me telling you I was. because I convinced myself I had to do the work. I kept falling short, and I felt like my only option was to tell Jesus I was working on it. I limited God from getting closer to me, because I was set on thinking that my salvation was dependent upon doing enough "rights" and avoiding enough "wrongs."

"I was stuck believing that the way to heaven was all about what I could or couldn't do, rather than what He's already done."

the pressure I felt from this standard hurt my relationship with Jesus more than it ever helped me. and about halfway through high school, I found myself pushing it to the back of my mind. as I kept getting things wrong, I found myself begin to stop trying. Of course I still prayed. But more often than not, it was because I needed something from God. I wanted what He had to offer, but not Him. I wanted the healings and the blessings, but when life started going well again, I centered my focus on people and experiences that brought me happiness. And i'm sure you can guess where that lead me.

Disappointment. Hurt. Emptiness.

It's funny how we can pour so much of ourselves into those around us only to be let down. And that's life. People hurt people. Expectations aren't met.

But it's a reminder that there's nothing on this earth meant to fully satisfy us. It took me 17 years to learn that. still learning it, tbh. But I came to really know Jesus when I was most broken. When I felt like i'd lost everything important. And that's the moment I realized I was missing something. that thing I talked about earlier--that I didn't know I was missing. His name was Jesus.

How was I missing Him? I'd known Him my whole life. I went to Church every week. That doesn't make sense...

My whole life i'd only accepted Jesus halfway. I'd never fully surrendered my will to His, inviting Him to change my heart.

So finally, I came to terms with that truth. And I was eager, even desperate, to get to know Jesus. To know His heart and lean into his promises, beyond who i'd limited Him to in the past. To let Him actually have a chance to know all of me and my messiness, and transform it all in the way only He could.

And with that decision, I began to walk with Him as I accepted that i'd never be enough on my own. I couldn't fix my own brokenness. I couldn't lean on my own understanding. And I know He lives in me by the way He's changed my heart. On the inside, I look nothing like I did a year ago. So here's the lesson I learned the hard way:

falling in love with the world will break your heart. but falling in love with the Word will heal it.

So friends, if you've ever once felt disappointed in yourself, people, LIFE in general, know this:

where you fall short, He fills the gaps. It's not up to you to work your way to Him. Ask Him to meet you where you are, and TRUST in the sacrifice that He made on that cross. Because ((@ second grade me)) Jesus died because He KNEW we couldn't do it alone. We could never earn our share in Heaven by trying to become better people. We NEEDED a savior. a way. Him.

I understand many won't agree with my testimony. Or with the way I have chosen to follow Christ. It may be speculated that i've left "so much behind" in leaving the Catholic Church. And yeah, I have left a lot behind. but that's what happens when you're freed in Christ. Nothing is a loss if He is the gain.

it was Jesus who taught me there's nothing I could really lose if I had Him.

To anyone who feels like there's truly something holding them back from a deeper relationship with Christ, I challenge you to let go and take a leap of faith.

it's gonna feel like falling. and yeah, that's never a safe feeling. it's scary and uncomfortable.

but find comfort in knowing you're not falling to the ground. you're falling into the hands of Jesus Christ.

you're not falling to death, you're falling into the promise of new life...

you're falling into grace.