Something I’m sharing today is a small snapshot of my "Egypt." An immeasurably large sea I couldn’t cross on my own. a desert I didn’t walk through by myself.
I’m sharing an "Exodus." A way made when there was no other. darkness turned to light. This season that I’m sharing was the greatest time of refinement and growth I have ever experienced. The time and manner in which I shared this was prayed over. The words and sentences and paragraphs were prayed about before they ever came to be in my notes.
This year has been really hard. I’m sure everyone reading this can relate. but for me, the pandemic (shockingly) wasn't the source of most my discomfort.
There have been so many starts and ends; beautiful and ugly ones. And all are a part of my story. I‘ve never walked through such dark valleys, and I’ve never scaled such high mountains. In hindsight, my only regret is clinging to anything that wasn’t Jesus in those times. When I was put through the fire, I would believe lies that singed my heart. I let the flames consume the good fruit the Lord was seeking to prune. My failures began to define me. Sinful thoughts took root, and sinful behavior followed.
Bitterness, anxiety, & hopelessness worked their way into my everyday life until they choked out the truth. until they blocked out the light.
I allowed lies to victimize me. to convince me that I was held captive to them. and I honestly didn’t think freedom was an option. I called upon the Lord to save me, but my heart posture revealed I didn’t trust His ability. I questioned His ways. I harbored fear. My default was doubt.
But I still wanted freedom. And looking back, I know it was already established, even when I couldn’t see the way to escape the heaviness of hurtful emotions and feelings. But freedom was readily available to me at every moment. and it took a long time for me to realize that.
Freedom was THERE. Freedom is HERE. Freedom is what we were set free to experience. It was accomplished on the cross, where we were justified by the shedding of innocent blood, saved by His life. We became recipients of reconciliation and restoration to the Father. (rom 5:8-11)
I would just like to praise God for the men and women of the Church that didn’t give up fighting for me, fighting with me. Their prayers were bold when I couldn’t find my voice. Their faith ministered to my doubtful heart. Their encouragement was just enough to keep me facing the storm instead of cowering in defeat. Their guidance kept me leaning into Jesus, even when I honestly believed He couldn’t catch me when I fell. (that one really hurts to admit)
The past couple of months have looked like healing, but I had to learn that healing isn’t something you wait for. Healing is a choice. It is shaking off the shackles of lies that Jesus has already broken apart. It is standing up and standing firm upon the Rock and Redeemer. It’s walking forward in truth, leaving behind the little voices in your head that call you back into hiding. It’s running into His arms again and again, because no distance belongs. No space stands between. You can’t lose Jesus. Because He has and always will choose you. You are forever found and seen by Him. And not just when you go to church, read your bible, and keep your stuff in order.
You are found in your weakest moments, seen at your worst. and. still. LOVED.
Maybe you know this, but I thought I did too. I read from my bible and still felt numb. Not a single word of His returns void. But simply reading His word wasn’t enough. We are called to meditate on It. Day and night. And my weary heart was too busy meditating on hurt. on worry. fear.
I wasn’t believing what God said, because I felt like I wasn’t witnessing the goodness and faithfulness of the Lord that the Bible speaks of. I felt like my struggling was overlooked and suffered through in vain. I felt like depending on the Lord only worked for holy people and bible characters. And maybe you see the problem in the preface of these three statements...
“I felt like _______”
The Bible says that our hearts WILL deceive us. WILL condemn us. But It also teaches that when that happens, God is GREATER than our hearts. (1 john 3:20) Your feelings are valid, but they may be rooted in lies, feeding your insecurity.
How powerful is that though? That He’s greater than the worst heartbreak you’ve felt. Greater than the largest wave of anxiety/panic you’ve ever experienced. Greater than any lie that has shamed you into a toxic, self-destructive mindset. Greater than any feeling of unworthiness. He is greater than that. He is faithful to redeem that. He is pleading with you to trust the Word He’s spoken. That this is not the way its supposed to be...
To any girl or guy who has ever mistaken a lie for the character of Christ, you’re not alone.
You need to know as much as I did that God does not reprimand you with anxiety. He does not instill fear within your heart to show you what you’re doing wrong. He is perfect Love. He casts OUT all fear. He Himself is your Peace. He convicts you like a loving father. He doesn’t condemn you like an angry dictator. He works all things for good. Even the ugly stuff you’re facing can be transformed into testimony. He never leads you into the wilderness without providence. He never casts you out, He is constantly calling you near. He promises good, and you can blame the “bad” on our broken, sinful nature && fallen world.
Feelings come and go. Feelings are ok. And even when the bad ones surface and cause you to question where you stand, I pray you call to mind Jesus. I pray you claim the peace and freedom and joy He graciously gives to those who trust Him.
You may not always be able to trace God’s hand in your life, but (I read somewhere) you can always trust His heart for you.
I don’t know if you related to this post. I’m not sure if it’s what you needed to hear. But if you've made it this far and still nothing, I just want you to remember how faithful God your Father is.
I want you to remember how deep His Love is for you.
He brought me to immeasurably vast seas to reveal how immeasurably greater His power is—that He would part the waters for me to safely cross...
In the desert, he provided people who spoke words of life—refreshing my thirsty soul with water... And I will forever praise Him for His faithfulness, even when I doubted. He has every reason to forsake me, but instead He listened to every broken prayer and tearful plea.
Everything I lost, Love returned.
And the story I’m able to tell was worth every step of the journey.
This was written through tears. Sad tears relaying details of hurtful memories. Happy tears being able to process and purpose the pain. Tears of just complete awe and wonder at how the Lord works through broken vessels like me. At how His strength really is made perfect in total weakness.
My tendency would be to apologize for the novel you just read, but instead I thank you for taking the time to read my heart in writing.
rejoice in Hope.
be patient in trouble.
he constant in prayer.
Help is always on the way.
xx, Liv